![]() If, however, it’s a problem of motivation, that is a little more complicated. ![]() “How much time do you think I spent this week on household management?” is a question with a concrete answer, and it could stop you reaching for the easily falsifiable things we sometimes say in confrontation like “you never” and “I always”. ![]() You could try keeping records: spend a few weeks noting who does what, who remembers, who plans, taking care not to skew things or be too resentful, and then ask his impressions of how you split the work. It can help to let someone experience not knowing something instead of just telling them they don’t. If it’s ignorance – if he believes you already split the work 50/50 – perhaps all you need to do is correct that. That depends on whether this is a problem of ignorance or motivation. You asked how to have a helpful conversation about this. I’ve written before that housework wipes up after itself, such that the people who don’t do it can forget that anyone does – as though pantries naturally stay well-stocked or the bottom of the fridge stays clean on its own. Knowing what the supplies are, what needs to be cleaned, learning what’s involved in doing something well – it’s a significant amount of work, and the fact that it gets done can mean it also self-erases. With two kids under three, I’m feeling this pressure and dread more than I ever have.Įleanor says: It’s well documented that women often do more of the thinking around the domestic work as well as more of the work itself. How do I have a conversation with him without seeming petty? I really want the share to be completely equal, 50/50, because I’m drowning in the idea that this will be my burden for the rest of my life.
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